Maniac Mansion Transcripts

"The Sandman Cometh" (1-6)

written by: John Hemphill, David Flaherty, and Eugene Levy
directed by: Bruce Pittman
original air dates: Oct. 22, 1990 (YTV); Oct. 19, 1990 (FC)

starring:
Joe Flaherty as Fred Edison / The Sandman
Deborah Theaker as Casey Edison / The Tooth Fairy
Kathleen Robertson as Tina Edison
Avi Phillips as Ike Edison
George Buza as Turner Edison
Mary Charlotte Wilcox as Idella Muckle Orca
John Hemphill as Harry the Fly / Mr. Coffee

Juul Haalmeyer as Red Butler
Linda Kash as Claret O'Hara
Nicolas Van Burek as Todd

Transcribed from video by www.mansionsite.com, October 2005
Scripts are the property of their original authors

OPENING CREDITS (SEASON 1).



SHOT: EXTERIOR, MANSION, NIGHT.
TITLE: The Sandman Cometh
SCENE: INTERIOR, FRONT ENTRANCE.

TINA ENTERS AND ATTEMPTS TO SHUT DOOR. TODD (NICOLAS VAN BUREK'S HANDS) TRYING TO PREVENT THIS.

TINA
Well, thanks, Todd. Bye.

TODD
Wait.

TINA
Uhh, Todd, it was really nice of you to walk me home and everything, but I just...

TODD
Yeah, we sure did have fun, didn't we?

TINA
[UNCONVINCINGLY] Yeah... we did... Uhh, anyway, I gotta go.

TODD
Well, wait, could I call you?

TINA
Todd, the thing is is that I just don't really want, you know...

TODD
Well, I mean, we could start off as friends, I mean until you get to know me better. Well how about tomorrow, I mean I could walk you home again.

TINA
Todd, you're really nice, and I like you, but I just... well, I've been thinking of transferring, and I don't think...

TODD
Well, uhh, could I use your bathroom?

TINA
Bye. [MANAGES TO SHUT DOOR] Boy... [SLAPS HER FOREHEAD]

TODD KEEPS POUNDING ON DOOR. CASEY AND TURNER COME DOWNSTAIRS AS TINA GOES UPSTAIRS.

TURNER
It's wiggling.

TINA
Hi Mum. Hi Turner.

CASEY
Yet another heart being shattered into a million wretched shards?

TINA
Mmm, he'll get over it. In time.

CASEY AND TURNER GO INTO KITCHEN, WHERE IKE IS SITTING EATING CAKE.

CASEY
Just leave it alone. It'll come out all by itself.

TURNER
It feels funny.

CASEY
Now, you get one glass of milk and then it's bedtime.

TURNER
Okay. Some, some cake?

CASEY
No, you didn't eat your dinner tonight, and you don't get any dessert when you don't eat your dinner.

TURNER
Well, I, I could eat it now.

CASEY
No, it's too late now.

TURNER
No it's not.

CASEY
Yes it is, it's almost ten o'clock.

TURNER
But, I, I'm not tired.

CASEY
You will be when you get in bed.

TURNER
No I won't.

CASEY
Yes you will.

TURNER
I don't think so.

CASEY
Turner, do you want your tooth to fall out tonight?

TURNER
Yeah.

CASEY
Well you know it's not going to fall out in the kitchen.

IKE
That doesn't make any sense, Mum.

CASEY
Ike, was I canvassing for opinions?

IKE
Where's Dad?

CASEY
He went to get popcorn.

TURNER
Could I have some?

CASEY
No, because you're going to be in bed.

TURNER
But Mum, I'm not tired.

CASEY
Turner, your tooth is bothering you, that's why you're not tired.

TURNER
Yeah. And, and, and, and the Tooth Fairy's gonna come.

CASEY
That's right, but only when you're asleep.

IDELLA ENTERS.

IDELLA
The fillum starts in ten minutes.

CASEY
Oh, I'll be right there, Idella. I'm just putting Turner to bed, again.

IDELLA
Is Fred back with the popcorn?

CASEY
Not yet.

TURNER
[TO IDELLA] You wanna feel my loose tooth?

IDELLA
Uhh, no, I have a few of my own I can feel, thank you.

IKE
Is this that movie Dad's been talking about all week?

CASEY
Yup, and we're not going to miss it because we're putting the kids to bed at ten o'clock at night.

TURNER
[TO IKE] Could I have some cake?

IKE
Sure.

CASEY
Ike, if you give him one sliver of that cake, I...

FRED ENTERS CARRYING A SHOPPING BAG.

FRED
Movie start yet?

CASEY
Just made it.

FRED
I would have been here sooner, but some teenage kid was lying right in the middle of the driveway banging his head on the pavement.

CASEY
Say goodnight to Daddy. You too, Ike.

IKE
What's the big movie tonight, Dad?

FRED
Tara Tara Tara. Big TV remake of Gone with the Wind.

IKE
Your favourite movie.

FRED
Best movie ever made.

TURNER
Dad, if my tooth falls out tonight, the, the Tooth Fairy's gonna come.

CASEY
Turner, you've got to get to sleep.

FRED
Mum's right. If the Sandman doesn't come first, then the Tooth Fairy won't come at all. So you've gotta get to sleep in less than three minutes! Come on! Good night.

TURNER AND IKE LEAVE. CASEY FOLLOWS THEM.

TURNER
Good night.

FRED
[GOING THROUGH SHOPPING BAG] Let's see, did I get everything? Bread, juice, peanut butter, snap-on bottle caps - never have enough of those, corn-cob holders, and... [DOES A TAKE] Popcorn! I forgot the popcorn! What is it with me and popcorn?



SCENE: INTERIOR, TURNER'S BEDROOM.

CASEY TUCKING TURNER INTO BED.

TURNER
Uhh, uhh, well, what, what if I swallow it?

CASEY
Oh, no. You won't swallow it.

TURNER
Is, is, is the tooth fairy coming?

CASEY
Yes, but only when your tooth comes out.

TURNER
And then, and then I put it under my pillow.

CASEY
Now, Turner. We've been through this. Let's just get to bed, okay honey?

CASEY TURNS OFF LIGHT.

TURNER
Good night, Mum.

CASEY WAVES AND LEAVES.



SCENE: INTERIOR, LIVING ROOM.

IDELLA ON COUCH. FRED JOINS HER WITH A BOWL OF CHOCOLATE RAISINS

FRED
Ooh, I've been looking forward to this all day, just... sitting back, and putting my feet up, and watching a great movie.

IDELLA TAKES RAISINS, UNIMPRESSED WITH THEM.

IDELLA
Where's the popcorn?

FRED
Uhh, I forgot it?

IDELLA
How could you forget it? You went to the store for only one thing, popcorn.

FRED
Well, I, I don't know. I, I, I had to get other stuff, and I, I had other things on my mind.

IDELLA
I don't think there's room for other things on your mind.

CASEY JOINS THEM.

CASEY
Ooh, it's starting!

FRED
Ooh! Pass the raisins.

IDELLA
No. [FRED STARTLED] Casey, if you'd like some, just ask.

CASEY
Oh, no thanks. I was kind of looking forward to popcorn.

ON TV: APPETIZING SHOT OF A BOWL OF POPCORN.

TV ANNOUNCER:
The world premiere of Tara Tara Tara. Brought to you by Super-Pufft Popcorn, the popcorn you just can't put down.

IDELLA
We've got the kind you just can't pick up.

FRED DOES A TAKE.

IDELLA
I hope it's a bomb.

FRED
No, it's not going to be a bomb. How can you wreck a great story like Gone with the Wind?

ON TV: INTRODUCTORY SHOTS OF JUUL HAALMEYER AND ROSANNE CARUBABA (LINDA KASH) WITH CAPTIONS.

TV ANNOUNCER
Starring Juul Haalmeyer as... Red Butler. And Rosanne Carubaba, as Claret O'Hara.

IDELLA
[INTERRUPTING] That's one way.

FRED
Well look, this is going to be great. It's got everything. The sweeping grandeur of the South, the, the struggle, the romance, the intrigue, the, the birthin', the whole ownership fiasco.

TV ANNOUNCER
And now, Act One of Tara Tara Tara!

FRED
Ooh, yes!

BEGINNING OF MOVIE AUDIBLE ON TV. TURNER COMES DOWNSTAIRS.

TURNER
Mum, Mum. My, my tooth fell out!

CASEY
Oh, honey! Come here.

FRED
You did it, little guy!

TURNER
And, and it didn't hurt a bit either.

IDELLA
I'm happy for you, Turner, and you can put a ditto on that from your uncle Harry.

CASEY
Okay, honey, up to bed. You can put that under your pillow. Let's see, whose turn is it...

TURNER
Daddy's!

FRED STARTLED. HE GETS UP AND HE AND TURNER GO UPSTAIRS. IDELLA PASSES CASEY THE RAISINS.



SCENE: INTERIOR, TURNER'S BEDROOM.
CAPTION: LATER
CAPTION: ABOUT THE TIME IT TAKES TO GET UPSTAIRS

TURNER AND FRED ENTER, DISCUSSING THE TOOTH FAIRY.

TURNER
... the Tooth Fairy's gonna bring, bring a, a dollar?

FRED
That's right! Okay, now hop into bed, put your tooth under the pillow. Okay, come on, gimme your tooth. [TUCKS TURNER INTO BED AND PLACES TOOTH UNDER PILLOW] All right now. I want you to close your eyes, go to sleep, before you know it, the Tooth Fairy will be here!

TURNER
And, and, and, and the Sandman?

FRED
Right. [TURNS OFF LIGHT] Now close your eyes, go to sleep. [SINGING] Come on along and listen to the lullaby of Broadway. [TURNS OFF OTHER LIGHT]

TURNER
I can't sleep.

FRED
Well try!

TURNER
No. Read me a story?

FRED
[TURNS ON LIGHT] All right. But... just a quick one.

FRED GOES TO THE BOOKSHELF AND TAKES OUT ONE SMALL CHILDREN'S BOOK AFTER ANOTHER. WHEN HE SHOWS EACH ONE TO TURNER, TURNER SAYS: "HEARD IT," TO FRED'S DISAPPOINTMENT. FINALLY WHEN FRED GETS TO AN ENORMOUS BROWN BOOK TURNER IS SILENT. FRED DOES A TAKE, SWALLOWS HARD, AND PICKS UP THE HEAVY BOOK.

FRED
Ahh... ahh. Somebody ought to tell this guy less is more!

TURNER
Hurry up, Daddy! I can't sleep.

FRED WALKS OVER TO THE BED.

FRED
Ahh... ahh. Story. By James Michener. [OPENS BOOK]



COMMERCIALS.



SCENE: INTERIOR, TURNER'S BEDROOM.

TURNER
How come I'm still not tired? Dad?

FRED HAS FALLEN ASLEEP WITH THE BOOK IN HAND.

TURNER
Dad? Dad?

FRED
[WAKES UP WITH A START] What!? Oh, uhh, I mean, sorry, I, I mean, what, little fella? Uhh, see, Dad's just a little cranky cause he's, he's missing his movie, and he's a little tired, and this thing is taking its toll. Look, if you just close your eyes, and, and go to sleep, you'll wake up with a... a crisp one-dollar bill!

TURNER
That much?

FRED
Right! But none of this'll happen unless you close your eyes and go to sleep.

TURNER SHUTS HIS EYES TIGHT. FRED TURNS OFF LIGHT.

FRED
[WHISPERING] Good night.

TURNER
[LOUDLY] Good night!

FRED DOES A TAKE, MOTIONS FOR TURNER TO BE QUIET, AND LEAVES.

TURNER TOSSES AND TURNS, PLAYS WITH BUCK, AND TRIES FOR A LONG TIME UNSUCCESSFULLY TO GET TO SLEEP. DOOR OPENS

TURNER
[SHOCKED] Sandman!



SCENE: INTERIOR, LIVING ROOM.

ON TV: RED BUTLER (JUUL HAALMEYER) AND CLARET O'HARA (LINDA KASH WITH A HEAVY NORTHEASTERN ACCENT) AT THE DOORWAY.

CLARET
Oh, Rhett. You're tearin' my heart apart. Where will you go? What will you do? Where can I reach ya?

RED
Manhattan, baby, back where I belong!

CLARET
Rhett, take me with ya? I won't be no trouble. I travel light. Please, Rhett. Pleeeeeeeease?

RED
Ooh, that voice! You want some... cheese with that whine?

CLARET
I love ya, Rhett. I really do.

RED
It's too late, sister. Understand?

CLARET
Sort of... No! I don't understand! And frankly...

RED
[LAUGHS] Don't say frankly!

CLARET
Okay. But if you leave, don't even think about coming back. Because I got a life too, see? And that don't necessarily include you.

RED
Frankly, Scarlett, I don't give a flying fiddle. Cheque please! [HE LEAVES]

CLARET
Oh well, there's always tamara. Tamarrow. Tomow-row. [DISAPPOINTED, GOES BACK INSIDE]

CAPTION: THE END

IDELLA TURNS OFF TV. FRED AND CASEY SITTING ON COUCH DUMBFOUNDED.

IDELLA
They should have just ended it when he said "cheque, please," don't you think?

FRED, MOUTH HANGING OPEN, LOOKS AT IDELLA THEN AT CASEY.

FRED
Well, who's ready for bed?

CASEY
I was ready an hour ago.

FRED
Ahh, that's good.

FRED AND CASEY GET UP TO LEAVE.

IDELLA
I'll admit, they did miss the sweeping South, but I was surprised. I thought, uhh, Juul Haalmeyer as Red pulled off a tour de force.

FRED DOES A TAKE. HE AND CASEY LOOK BACK AT IDELLA IN DISBELIEF.



SCENE: INTERIOR, TURNER'S BEDROOM.

TURNER IN BED. SANDMAN (JOE FLAHERTY DOING A JACKIE LEONARD IMPRESSION) MOTIONS FOR HIM TO BE QUIET AS THEY HEAR FRED AND CASEY TALKING ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE DOOR. THEY ENTER.

CASEY
Honey, what are you doin' up?

TURNER
Mum, guess, guess, guess who I'm talking to? The Sandman!

SANDMAN HIDING BEHIND THE DOOR, MOTIONS FOR TURNER TO BE QUIET.

CASEY
That's nice, honey. Now, you get under those covers and go to sleep.

FRED
No more stalling, little guy. And turn out that light.

TURNER
And, and, and, and say goodnight to the Sandman.

SANDMAN DOESN'T WANT HIS COVER BLOWN, AGAIN MOTIONS FOR TURNER TO STOP.

CASEY
Okay...

CASEY AND FRED
[NOT BELIEVING HIM] Goodnight, Sandman.

CASEY
Goodnight, honey.

CASEY AND FRED LEAVE.

SANDMAN
[CHECKS TO SEE THAT THEY'RE REALLY GONE] Well, well what do you know. First job tonight, and I almost got nailed. You know, you remind me of someone named McKinley. Mount McKinley. [RIMSHOT]

TURNER UNIMPRESSED.

SANDMAN
What with the size, and the whole... Nothin'... Well, that's great. Well, look little guy, and I use the word "little" with the greatest possible respect, out of a great affection for my own personal safety. [RIMSHOT]

TURNER UNIMPRESSED.

SANDMAN
Because with you, comin' out... So anyway, they choose me to put you to sleep, which I don't think is gonna work, because, quite frankly, my act is too interesting. And...

TURNER GETTING TIRED, RUBS HIS EYES.

SANDMAN
Kid, just yell out if you hear somethin' you like. Just give it a... don't be afraid. Because, you know, tonight I got a second show over at Boys Town. And double-headers aren't exactly my cup of tea. And speakin' of China, they've got a funny phone system over there. Whenever you dial the Wong number you always get the right guy. [RIMSHOT]

TURNER YAWNS, PUTS HIS HEAD ON PILLOW.

SANDMAN
Let me know if there's a continent you do like. Well look, kid, I'd like to stick around and chat with ya, but if I'm gonna die, I'd rather die in the arms of a loved one, whoever that lucky lady may be. Uhh, look, I gotta fly the coop, so here. I'm gonna leave you with my business card, a thing I like to call sand.

SANDMAN SPRINKLES SAND ON A SLEEPING TURNER.

SANDMAN
And, uhh, I hope it works for you, cause the only time it works for me is when my car gets stuck in the snow. Well, you've been a wonderful audience. Good night, God bless! [VANISHES IN A CLOUD OF SMOKE]

TURNER SOUND ASLEEP. TOOTH FAIRY (DEBORAH THEAKER WITH AN ENGLISH ACCENT) APPEARS AND ATTEMPTS TO LIFT TURNER'S PILLOW.

TOOTH FAIRY
Heavy head. heavy, heavy, heavy head. Aah! No bother. It's all a matter of positioning, so says Phil Rizzuto. This is a picky-wicky[?], isn't it. Desperate times call for desperate measures and it is getting rather late. Time to roll over, Beethoven. [LAUGHS]

TOOTH FAIRY ATTEMPTS TO LIFT TURNER'S BODY.

TOOTH FAIRY
Ohh... What a lovely, large boy. Perhaps another angle would suffice. I do wish to have a spot of water. 'Twould be ever so refreshing. There is a certain logic to this. [WHISPERS] Be careful not to wake the boy.

TOOTH FAIRY GRABS TURNER'S FEET AND TRIES TO PULL HIM OFF THE BED.

TOOTH FAIRY
Yes. Marvellous idea. Frightfully simplistic. Here we go. One last tug.

TOOTH FAIRY MANAGES ONLY TO PULL TURNER'S SOCKS OFF, AND FALLS TO THE FLOOR.

TOOTH FAIRY
Ohh. This is a pickle. Hmm.

TOOTH FAIRY PLACES A FEATHER UNDER TURNER'S NOSE, WHO PROMPTLY SNEEZES AND WAKES UP.

TURNER
Tooth Fairy!

TOOTH FAIRY
Well, I was, umm, I was, I... [LAUGHS] This is highly unusual. Be a good chap and try to forget this ever happened, hmm?

TURNER
Did, did you leave me something?

TOOTH FAIRY
Ohh, yes, that is why I exist, isn't it. Here's a lovely five-pound note. I shall leave it right under your pillow. Now close your eyes and go to sleep like a good little boy. I must be off.

TURNER
No, don't go! I, I, I can't sleep.

TOOTH FAIRY
Well, my dear, I'm sure that Sandman gentleman would be more than...

SANDMAN APPEARS.

SANDMAN
Somebody call me? Who called the Sandman? Ahh, kid, you're still awake. Good, I got a few more jokes you may not necessarily care for. I went to see the dentist the other day. He said my teeth are fine but my gums have gotta go. [RIMSHOT]

TURNER FALLS ASLEEP.

SANDMAN
Great, he's out like a light.

TOOTH FAIRY
Well I must say, you do your job frightfully well.

SANDMAN
Well I think you're pretty frightening yourself, what with the teeth, and the outfit, and, uhh, by the way did you ever have any luck in getting Dorothy out of Kansas? [RIMSHOT]

TOOTH FAIRY
Well, I must be off. [STARTS FLAPPING HER ARMS]

SANDMAN
Yeah, I think we both must be off. I haven't had a joke work in the last 27 years. Well, I think it's time we go. [TAKES TOOTH FAIRY BY THE ARM] And, speakin' of goin', my agent told me I oughtta go to Atlantic City. He said the walk oughtta do me good.

SANDMAN AND TOOTH FAIRY DISAPPEAR.

LATER, AS TURNER IS STILL SLEEPING, MR. COFFEE (JOHN HEMPHILL WITH GRAY HAIR AND A BROWN JACKET) APPEARS HOLDING A CUP OF COFFEE.

MR. COFFEE
Hi. I'm Mr. Coffee. You awake?

TURNER
Kind of.

MR. COFFEE
Good. Cause there's no better way to start your day than... with a fresh cup of coffee.

TURNER
I'm too young.

MR. COFFEE CONFUSED. HE TAKES A CLOSER LOOK AT TURNER AND HIS HANDS START SHAKING.

MR. COFFEE
You're not Paul Cruikshank!

TURNER
I'm Turner.

MR. COFFEE
Got the wrong house. [SHAKING UNCONTROLLABLY, PUTS DOWN COFFEE CUP] Guess I, I'm not thinking straight, I...

TURNER
Well, what's wrong?

MR. COFFEE
Don't you mean what's right?

TURNER
Can, can, can I help?

MR. COFFEE
Would that you could. How old are you, kid?

TURNER
Four.

MR. COFFEE
Four. Ahh, the sweet, sweet innocence of youth. Want some advice, kid? Don't grow up. Cause they'll get ya. Oh, ho, ho, they'll get ya. Oh, you, you won't know it at first. But then, all of the sudden... [MOTIONS WITH HIS FINGERS] out they come. And they know how to use 'em. Oh, ho, ho, yeah. Yeah, she's got her hands so deep in my pockets I, I haven't got two sticks to rub together.

TURNER
I, I, I'm awake now.

MR. COFFEE
Good. I, uhh, I got a nine o'clock with, uhh, her and her new lawyer friend anyway. Well, uhh, take it easy, kid. Fact, uhh, take it any way you can get it because later on it's just give, give, give. Uhh, you remember that kid.

MR. COFFEE DISAPPEARS. TURNER IS NOW WIDE AWAKE.



COMMERCIALS.



SCENE: INTERIOR, KITCHEN.

HARRY SITTING ON A COFFEE CUP TALKING TO CAMERA.

HARRY
Almost got the week off. But, it didn't sit too well with the suits, so, uhh, here I is! Don't get me wrong, it, it was a beauty-ful story. Uhh, personally, it really appealed to the child in me. And, I think there's a lesson for all of us here. And that is, if you really believe in something hard enough, like little Turner, then your dreams really will come true. [PAUSES] What am I, Jiminy the Cricket here? Anyhoo... Thanks for tunin' in, sweet dreams, uhh, hang onto them, and... don't let the bedbugs bite. [CLAPS HIS TEETH TOGETHER]



CLOSING CREDITS.