Maniac Mansion Transcripts

"Late Night Harry" (2-3)

written by: Michael Short
directed by: Stan Harris
original air dates: Sep. 18, 1991 (YTV); Sep. 18, 1991 (FC)

starring:
Joe Flaherty as Fred Edison / Nemo Buttro
Deborah Theaker as Casey Edison / Audrey LaMoye
Kathleen Robertson as Tina Edison
Avi Phillips as Ike Edison
George Buza as Turner Edison
Mary Charlotte Wilcox as Idella Muckle Orca / Lanny's Assistant
John Hemphill as Harry the Fly

featuring:
Dan Redican as Lanny Reese
Gerry Salsberg as Smarmy Guy

Transcribed from video by www.mansionsite.com, October 2005
Scripts are the property of their original authors

SHOT: EXTERIOR, MANSION, NIGHT.
SCENE: INTERIOR, KITCHEN.

FRED, CASEY, TINA, AND IKE ARE IN THEIR PYJAMAS FIXING THEMSELVES SOMETHING TO EAT.

CASEY
This can't keep happening. I've got to find a new recipe for chili.

FRED
I'm telling you, Case, chili's supposed to be h-hot. [TAKES A BIG GULP OF MILK FROM THE CARTON]

CASEY
[MOUTH FULL] Not so that it wakes you up in the middle of the night.

TINA
[MOUTH FULL] It's all part of it, Mum. The total Edison chili experience.

TURNER WALKS IN.

TURNER
Yeah, and this is the funnest part.

IDELLA RUNS IN.

IDELLA
Yogurt! I gotta have some yogurt. [OPENS FRIDGE] Ohh, there you are.

FRED
Wouldn't you just kill if there were a great movie on? Mmm, a Western!

IKE
Come on, Turner, let's check out what's on TV.

TINA
Mmm, I get the big chair!

FRED
Hey, your father gets the big chair, Tina!

IKE, TURNER, TINA, AND FRED RUN OFF.

CASEY
[TO IDELLA] I use too many spices, don't I? I mean, it's obvious. But, you know, the thing is, it never seems that spicy at the time. You know, you're tasting, you're adding... I don't know. I don't know what I'm doing in here half the time.

IDELLA
Casey, you're feedin' a family of six, you got one basic rule of thumb. If they keep eatin' it, keep servin' it.

CASEY AND IDELLA LEAVE. CAMERA GRADUALLY FOCUSES ON A BOUQUET OF FLOWERS IN A VASE.

HARRY
[FROM OFF CAMERA] It's okay, they're gone.

HARRY AND A BEE FLY ONTO A FLOWER.

BEE
Bzzz.

HARRY
Ya, but they're, they're lovable. Anyhoo... so, uhh, where were we?

BEE
Bzzz.

HARRY
Right. And my point was, you don't fall in love with the queen bee. 10,000 drones and one female... what are your odds?

BEE
Bzzz.

HARRY
Love, schmove! Look at ya, your tiny little... heart shattered.

BEE
Bzzz.

HARRY
Sting Fred? What's he got to do with it?

BEE
Bzzz.

HARRY
Listen, no. You know what it is? He wears that white lab coat and, uhh, you know, you're, you're attracted to bright colours. So, you know, you're upset, you take it out on him.

BEE
Bzzz.

HARRY
Yeah, well, you know, maybe someone neglected to tell you, but, uhh, when a bee stings somebody, it's curtains for that particular bee! Heh, you know, uhh, your stinger falls off, and, uhh, trust me, it's an ugly way to go.

BEE
Bzzz.

HARRY
You mean you, you wanna end it? All over that female?

BEE
Bzzz.

HARRY
[TO CAMERA] This guy has definitely got it bad.



OPENING CREDITS (SEASON 2).



SCENE: INTERIOR, KITCHEN.
TITLE: LATE NIGHT HARRY

HARRY AND THE BEE ARE STILL ON FLOWER.

HARRY
See, kid, uhh, life is hills and valleys.

BEE
Bzzz.

HARRY
Of course I have! Maybe, you know, not exactly the same thing you're going through. You see, uhh, I was always kinda lucky with the ladies.

BEE
Bzzz.

HARRY
But hey, I, uhh, I still know how you feel. Hehe, see, old Harry Orca's been down some bumpy roads in his day!

BEE
Bzzz.

HARRY
Well there, there was this one time in particular. Course, not something I generally like to talk about. But, if it'll help you through your crisis, heheh. Let me see, uhh, guess it was about, uhh, a year, year and a half ago. You know, uhh, anyway, long before your time. And, uhh, there was a show I, I used to watch.



FADE INTO SCENE: INTERIOR, LIVING ROOM.

HARRY, IDELLA, FRED, AND CASEY ARE WATCHING THE LANNY REESE SHOW ON TV. ON THE SHOW, LANNY (DAN REDICAN) IS TALKING TO HIS GUEST, SMARMY GUY (GERRY SALSBERG). AS THEY'RE WATCHING THE SHOW, HARRY IS VERY APPRECIATIVE AND IDELLA IS VERY UNIMPRESSED.

LANNY
Is that wild or what?

SMARMY GUY
And I swear, Lanny, every word of it is true.

LANNY
You, my friend, lead a weird existence.

SMARMY GUY
Gee, thanks! [HE AND LANNY LAUGH] You know, Lanny...

LANNY
[INTERRUPTING] Anyways, let's move on. Our next guest is another... disturbed one. [SMARMY GUY LOOKS OFFENDED] Heheh. He used to be a schoolteacher, one day he just quit and started doing stand-up. Cut to two years later, he's opening for people like Burt Cassidy, Myra Gladstone, Ray Poontene... I mean, the list just goes on and on, and I'm proud to say he got his start right here on the Lanny Reese Show.

AUDIENCE CHEERING.

SMARMY GUY
Yay! What a break! Woo, woo, woo! Lanny!

LANNY
Anyways, ladies and gentlemen, if you will, the observational comedy of... Nemo Buttro!

NEMO BUTTRO (JOE FLAHERTY WITH A BOWL HAIRCUT, AN UGLY SIXTIES VEST, AND AN ANNOYING VOICE) WALKS ON STAGE TO LOUD AUDIENCE CHEERING AND CHANTING.

IDELLA
Never heard of him.

HARRY
Idella!

NEMO
How are you folks? Hmm, hmm? You know what I don't get? Showers. How many of you people take showers?

A COUPLE OF AUDIENCE MEMBERS CLAP.

HARRY
Yes!

NEMO
O-okay, now explain this to me all right? Explain this. You, you get into the shower, you start off dry, right? And then you get in and you get wet. And then you get out, right? And you start to towel yourself, and then, you're dryer, you're dryer than you were when you started. [AUDIENCE LAUGHTER] I mean, are we just wasting time here?

IDELLA EXTREMELY UNIMPRESSED, FRED AND CASEY FALLING ASLEEP, AND HARRY IS STILL ENJOYING THE SHOW.

NEMO
Eggs. How 'bout eggs?

HARRY
[THRILLED, WHISPERS] Eggs!

NEMO
You guys ever eat eggs?

IDELLA
[DISGUSTED] No, we never ate an egg.

HARRY
Idella!

IDELLA
Well, I hate this... thing they do.

NEMO
Well you gotta be real careful with them. You know, when you buy them you make sure they're not broken? Right? And then, when you take them out to the car, you gotta be real careful, right? Right? Okay?

HARRY
[TO IDELLA] He did this on Letterman!

IDELLA MAKES A "WHOOP-TEE-DOO" GESTURE.

NEMO
And then you get home, and the next thing you do in the morning? You make an omelette. What's the first thing you do? You break the eggs, right?

LOUD AUDIENCE LAUGHTER. IDELLA TURNS OFF TV.

HARRY
Hey!

IDELLA
Well, you watch too much of that drivel and your brain'll turn to mush.

HARRY
I was enjoying that!

FRED
Well, you gotta admit, Harry, he's pretty bad.

HARRY
The guy opens for Ray Poontene!

CASEY
Ohh, you're ten times funnier than he is, we should be watching you.

HARRY LOOKS PLEASED.

FRED
Well, good night, Harry. Good night, Idella.

IDELLA
Good night.

CASEY
See you in the morning.

FRED AND CASEY GO UPSTAIRS.

IDELLA
Come on Harry, time for bed.

HARRY
If you don't mind, I would like to see the rest of the Lanny Reese Show.

IDELLA
It never fails to amaze me.

HARRY
Here we go...

IDELLA
You sit up half the night watching some show business phonies talkin' about themselves, and you're hangin' on every word like they're something special. While the irony of the thing is you got more going for yourself than the whole bunch of them put together.

HARRY
Are we done?

IDELLA
How can you waste your time like this? Don't you have goals? Things you wanna do in life?

HARRY
Yes, and the main one is watching the rest of the Lanny Reese Show.

IDELLA
Ohh, Idella Muckle Orca, you married a dreamer!

IDELLA STARTS TO LEAVE.

HARRY
Uhh, the TV?

IDELLA
Turn it on yourself.

HARRY
It takes hours!

IDELLA
The exercise'll do you good.

IDELLA GOES UPSTAIRS.

HARRY
[VOICE-OVER] I started thinkin' about what she said. 43 years of age, there I was. A fly with a guy's head. Was that it? Was that my destiny? [TO CAMERA] There has to be more!



SCENE: INTERIOR, KITCHEN.

HARRY AND THE BEE ARE STILL ON FLOWER.

HARRY
Then I realized, the only reason I, I watch the Lanny Reese Show is... well, deep down I... I wanted to be up there. Like them in, in the spotlight entertaining the people. Hey kid, you still with me?

BEE
Bzzz.

HARRY
Course, uhh, up till then I, uhh, I never had the guts to do anything about it. But then, uhh, somehow Idella, in her clumsy, adorable way, inspired me.



SCENE: EXTERIOR, PARKING LOT OF TV STUDIO.

HARRY FLYING INTO THE STUDIO. WOMAN TRIES TO SWAT HIM AS HE FLIES PAST HER.

HARRY
[VOICE-OVER] So the next day I flew downtown to the studio. I knew they taped Lanny's show in the afternoon. I had no idea what I was going to do, but I was gonna do something.



SCENE: INTERIOR, TV STUDIO.

HARRY FLIES ONTO A CAMERA. LANNY REESE IS MOVING AROUND, GETTING MADE UP, AND ARGUING WITH HIS ASSISTANT (MARY CHARLOTTE WILCOX WITH DARK HAIR AND A SHOW BUSINESS ACCENT).

LANNY
I am trying to do cutting edge here and you keep surrounding me with stiffs!

LANNY'S ASSISTANT
Lanny, sweetheart, you have got to relax.

LANNY
I need guests who can sparkle, people I can get something going with.

LANNY'S ASSISTANT
We're working on it, we're doing our best.

LANNY
[MOCKING HER] We're doing our best!

HARRY THINKS THAT WAS A LOW BLOW.

LANNY
How am I supposed to make Audrey LaMoye interesting? My audience thought she was dead... I thought she was dead!

LANNY'S ASSISTANT
You can do it. You know why, Lanny? Because you're the best. You're beautiful. You look gorgeous!

DIRECTOR WHO HAS BEEN COUNTING DOWN THE SECONDS NOW SAYS: "WE'RE ON." LANNY'S ASSISTANT AND MAKEUP ARTIST QUICKLY LEAVE AND LANNY IS LEFT FACING THE CAMER.

LANNY
We're back. And now I'd like to bring out my first guest. One of the great ladies of stage and screen. A living legend in the true sense of the word. Ladies and gentlemen, the miraculous... Miss Audrey LaMoye!

AUDREY LAMOYE (DEBORAH THEAKER AS A VERY OLD WOMAN WEARING A 1920'S OUTFIT) WALKS ON EXTREMELY SLOWLY TO MUSIC AND AUDIENCE CLAPPING.

LANNY
The incredible... Audrey LaMoye!

AUDREY STILL MOVING VERY SLOWLY TOWARDS LANNY'S DESK.

LANNY
The wonderful... Audrey LaMoye!

AUDREY STILL MOVING VERY SLOWLY TOWARDS LANNY'S DESK.

LANNY
The... one of a kind... Audrey LaMoye!

AUDREY BUMPS INTO THE CAMERA, A CREW MEMBER POINTS HER BACK IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION.

LANNY
Living legend, a living legend... Audrey LaMoye! Right here. Over, over here. Audrey LaMoye! The... Audrey LaMoye!

AUDREY STILL MOVING VERY SLOWLY TOWARDS LANNY'S DESK.

LANNY
Audrey! Miss Audrey LaMoye!

AUDREY TRIPS ON A STEP AND FALLS OVER. THE AUDIENCE GOES SILENT AND LANNY AND HARRY ARE STARTLED. SOME CREW MEMBERS HELP HER UP.

LANNY
What, is she okay?

AUDREY
I heard something crack.

LANNY
But, but she's all right?

MUSIC STARTS UP AGAIN AS CREW MEMBERS TAKE AUDREY AWAY.

LANNY
Miss Audrey Lamoye, a great artist, a great performer. And, oh yeah everything's, everything's under control. One of the great troopers. [IN HIS ASSISTANT'S DIRECTION] And we built the whole show around her!

A LOUD CRASH IS HEARD FROM OFF CAMERA. AUDIENCE SHOCKED.

LANNY
[TO THE CREW MEMBERS] So why d'you let go of her? I mean she was obviously having trouble walking! [TO CAMERA] Heheh. I'd like to ap... apologize.

HARRY FLIES ONTO LANNY'S MICROPHONE.

HARRY
Hey Lanny!

LANNY
What...?

HARRY
Need a, a last-second replacement?

LANNY
Heheh, who said that?

HARRY
Over here, on the microphone!

LANNY
On the microphone?

HARRY
Yeah, see me?

LANNY SEES HARRY AND SCREAMS. AUDIENCE AND CREW ARE ALSO SURPRISED.

HARRY
I'll take that as a compliment! So anyway, uhh, I went down to uhh, one of those new, uhh, trendy restaurants, you know, uhh, with the, uhh, the midget waiters? Everyone can see what you're havin'!

AUDIENCE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY.

LANNY
A talking fly! Are we getting this?

CAMERA MOVES IN CLOSER TO FILM HARRY.

HARRY
Ohh, it's, you know being a, a man in a fly's body. Try buying off the rack!

AUDIENCE LAUGHTER.

LANNY
I don't believe this!

HARRY
I remember, uhh, I was, uhh, dating two women at the same time. Uhh, one was Hawaiian, the other was a Sioux Indian. And... I realized I didn't love either of them. I loved drums!

AUDIENCE LAUGHTER. LANNY CAPTURES HARRY IN A GLASS.

HARRY
What are you doin'? What's with the glass?

LANNY
[TO CAMERA] We'll be... right back.



COMMERCIALS.



SCENE: INTERIOR, LAB BASEMENT.

WE SEE THE VIEW FROM THE LAB CAMERA: A BLACK SCREEN.

FRED
Ohh, why does that keep... [TAKES OFF LENS CAP AND COMES INTO VIEW] ... happening. Okay, hmm, let's try it again. This is experiment V as in Victor, 19-662 B, as in uhh, umm... [SWITCHES TO BING CROSBY IMPRESSION] ... boysenberry. Boysenberry! [SWITCHES BACK TO NORMAL VOICE] Okay. Now, here I'm attempting to determine if intensified bombardment by Q-waves can inhibit molecular rate in such a way as to decelerate the natural aging process of certain highly, uhh, complex organic structures. Uhh, such as, in this case, a tomato. [SHOWS A TOMATO TO THE LAB CAMERA] Now... oh, not this tomato, the tomato in the... chamber.

VIEW SWITCHES TO REGULAR CAMERA.

FRED
Uhh, anyway, if this works we're talking about ex...tending the lifespan of...

CASEY
[CALLING FROM UPPER LEVEL OF LAB] Fred! Fred!

FRED
[TO CAMERA] Casey. [LOUDLY] What?

FRED GOES UP TO MEET CASEY.

CASEY
Fred, have you seen Harry?

FRED
Have I seen Harry? [THINKS] No.

CASEY
It's not like him to be gone this long.

FRED
Well, Harry's fine, he can take care of himself.

CASEY
No, it doesn't feel right, Fred. He missed breakfast.

FRED
So?

CASEY
Waffles!

FRED
Now that is strange.

CASEY
Yeah. None of the kids have seen him all day and Idella says he didn't come to bed last night.

FRED
Well, how does she know these things? He's a fly!

CASEY
Well I'm not going to ask her, but I mean obviously she must have some way of telling... Fred, please, go look for 'im.

FRED
Ohh, uh, I guess. Aww, Case, why is it always me? It's not easy lookin' for a fly, you know.

CASEY
Harry's my brother, Fred, and he's in some kind of trouble, I just, I have this bad feeling.

FRED
Yeah, well what day is it?

CASEY
Monday.

FRED
Doh, garbage day! Ohh, he'll be at that dump.



SCENE: EXTERIOR, DUMP.

FRED WALKING AROUND LOOKING FOR HARRY AS HUNDREDS OF FLIES BUZZ AROUND HIM.

FRED
Harry! Harry! Harry! Harry! [GETS FOOT STUCK IN A BUCKET] Harry! Where are you? Harry? Harry, if you're out there playin' games again, it's not funny! You managed to get everybody all upset. Harry? [SEES A FLY WHO HE THINKS MIGHT BE HARRY] Harry! [REALIZES IT'S NOT HARRY AND SWATS THE FLY AWAY] Ahh, get out of here.



SCENE: INTERIOR, KITCHEN.

HARRY AND THE BEE ARE STILL ON FLOWER.

HARRY
Exactly. Things were not lookin' good pour moi!

BEE
Bzzz.

HARRY
No, I died! Would you let me finish the story?



SCENE: INTERIOR, KITCHEN.

FRED, TINA, IKE, CASEY, IDELLA, AND TURNER SITTING AROUND TABLE. CAMERA PANNING THEM ALL EATING SALAD AND LOOKING EXTREMELY DEPRESSED.

HARRY
[VOICE-OVER] Well, needless to say, everyone around here was bummed out because uhh, let's face it... I'm beloved!

FRED
Look, I'm tellin' ya, he'll be fine. He always comes back! Come on, Turner, more tomato?

WE SEE AN ENORMOUS TOMATO ON THE TABLE IN FRONT OF THEM.

TURNER
No, thanks.

IDELLA
Oh, let's face it. We all knew he was livin' on borrowed time. What kinda chance does a fly have in this world? He could be danglin' from a flystrip somewhere, or splattered on somebody's windshield. Or galvanized on a lightbulb for all we know.

IKE
I bet he got disintegrated by a bug zapper.

IDELLA AND CASEY LOOK AT IKE IN SHOCK.

IDELLA
You all knew it was only a matter of time before he... bought the big one.

TINA LOOKS EXTREMELY SAD.

CASEY
[WHISPERING] Idella!

IDELLA
I'm sorry.

IDELLA STARTS CRYING, AND LEAVES.

TINA
Come on, Ike, let's check down at the petting zoo again.

IKE
Sure.

IKE AND TINA LEAVE.

FRED
I'll, uhh, go take another look behind, uhh, Taiwan On.

FRED LEAVES.

CASEY
Come on, Turner, let's get ready for bed.

TURNER
Okay.

CASEY AND TURNER LEAVE.



SHOT: EXTERIOR, MANSION, NIGHT.
SCENE: INTERIOR, KITCHEN.

IDELLA MAKING TEA IN HER BATHROBE. CASEY AND FRED ENTER.

CASEY
Idella?

IDELLA
Can't sleep.

FRED
Would you like some company?

CASEY MOTIONS FOR FRED TO LEAVE. IT TAKES HIM A WHILE TO FIGURE OUT WHAT SHE MEANS. HE FINALLY LEAVES.

CASEY
Idella, don't worry, okay? Nothing's happened to Harry. I have this gut feeling. I'll admit earlier I had this other gut feeling that something was wrong, but now that gut feeling is gone and I have this other gut feeling, you know?

FRED
[FROM LIVING ROOM] Casey, Idella, come here, quick!



SCENE: INTERIOR, LIVING ROOM.

HARRY IS ON TV, ON THE LANNY REESE SHOW. FRED, CASEY, AND IDELLA WATCHING INTENTLY.

HARRY
I remember, uhh, I was, uhh, dating two women at the same time. Uhh, one was Hawaiian, the other was a Sioux Indian. And I realized I didn't love either of them. I loved drums!

AUDIENCE LAUGHTER. LANNY CAPTURES HARRY IN A GLASS.

HARRY
What are you doin'? What's with the glass?

LANNY
[TO CAMERA] We'll be... right back.

IDELLA
Freddie, phone the station.

FRED
No, it's too late, uhh it's the middle of the night, no one would be there.

IDELLA
They're doing the show!

FRED
Yeah, but it's not live. They would have taped that this afternoon sometime.

IDELLA
[DISGUSTED] You mean they had time to edit, and it still looks like that?

CASEY
Well shouldn't we phone anyway, Fred? Maybe someone can tell us what happened.

TINA, IKE, AND TURNER APPEAR AT THE TOP OF THE STAIRS.

TINA
Mum, what's wrong?

IDELLA
Well, ehh, your Uncle Harry's on TV on the Lanny Reese Show, and he was...

FRED
Wait, wait, wait, it's back on!

TINA, IKE, AND TURNER ARE EXCITED AND RUN DOWNSTAIRS. ON TV, LANNY IS STILL HOLDING HARRY IN THE GLASS.

LANNY
Well, we're back. For those of you who just joined us this is my new co-host, Harry the talking fly.

HARRY
Let me out of here, I can't breathe!

LANNY
Oh, ho, ho, not so fast Harry, you're the best little ratings grabber to come along since... Tiny Tim.

HARRY
I'm suffocating. I need oxygen.

LANNY
I don't know where this little fella came from or how he got the way he is but... hey, let's find out.

HARRY
[WHISPERING] I can't breathe.

AUDIENCE IS SHOCKED, SOMEONE YELLS OUT: "YOU KILLED HIM!" EDISONS ARE VERY DISTRESSED.

IKE
Let him out!

LANNY
Heh, come on Harry, don't be a spoilsport, tell us a little bit about yourself.

HARRY COMPLETELY STILL. AUDIENCE ANGRILY BOOING LANNY. EDISONS ARE VERY SAD, IDELLA STARTS TO CRY.

LANNY
[GETTING NERVOUS] Harry? Oh, oh no, no, no, umm, Harry?

AUDIENCE YELLING: "MURDERER!" FRED DISTRESSED.

LANNY
No, uhh, H-Harry. Harry?

LANNY TAKES HIS HAND OFF GLASS TO CHECK ON HARRY, WHO PROMPTLY FLIES OUT.

HARRY
The oldest fly trick in the book, the fake dead routine!

EDISONS CHEERING AND CLAPPING. HARRY FLIES INTO LIVING ROOM.

HARRY
How'd I do?

IDELLA
Harry, you should have... Harry!

FAMILY THRILLED TO SEE HARRY BACK.

CASEY
Harry, how could you be so stupid?

IDELLA
We were lookin' all over for ya!

HARRY
Yeah, but I, I had that audience right in the palm of my... what would you call that, I, it's not a paw exactly, I...

TURNER
You sure did trick him Uncle Harry!

HARRY
Yeah, yeah, that midget waiter joke worked gangbusters!

IKE
We didn't see that part.

HARRY
What? It was the highlight of the show! See, it all started off when, uhh, Audrey LaMoye tripped.

TINA
Audrey LaMoye's still alive?



COMMERCIALS.



SCENE: INTERIOR, KITCHEN.

HARRY AND THE BEE ARE STILL ON FLOWER.

HARRY
See, kid, there's always a way to get through a crisis, uhh, no matter how bad it might seem.

BEE
Bzzz.

HARRY
Of course it was a crisis! I had to come to terms with... you know, the fact that, uhh, I'll never be appreciated for... being anything other than a fly.

BEE
Bzzz.

HARRY
Yeah, but I, I, I got over it. You know we've, we've all got our cross to bear. Mine happens to be an exoskeleton.

BEE
Bzzz.

HARRY
Hey look, no. No, you're more than welcome. Huh, look at it, I want you to promise me that you'll, uhh, you know go out and enjoy life's bounty and, you know, don't take things so personal.

BEE
Bzzz.

HARRY
That's more like it. Now go on, get goin'. Fly, my friend. Fly into a new tomorrow!

THE BEE FLIES OFF.

HARRY
Hey, look out for the window!

WE HEAR THE BEE FLY INTO THE WINDOW.

HARRY
Ohh... is this a cruel world or what? [TO CAMERA] Why can't you people leave a little smudge on the glass, you know, for the benefit of others.

WE HEAR THE BEE GET UP AND START BUZZING AGAIN.

HARRY
Hmm? You're okay! He's okay! You gotta be more careful. Watch where you're goin'!



CLOSING CREDITS.