Maniac Mansion Transcripts

"The Prince's Broad" (3-4)

written by: David Flaherty and John Hemphill
directed by: Perry Rosemond
original air dates: Sep. 28, 1992 (YTV); Sep. 27, 1992 (FC)

starring:
Joe Flaherty as Fred Edison / Pablo Papagallo
Deborah Theaker as Casey Edison / The Prince's Wife
Kathleen Robertson as Sweetcakes
George Buza as Andre
Mary Charlotte Wilcox as Idella
John Hemphill as the Prince of Tides

featuring:
Colin Fox as Edward Edison
Mathew Mackay as Nothing Boy
David Flaherty as The Albino

fencing doubles:
John Stead
Bradley C. Rudy

Transcribed from video by www.mansionsite.com, January 2005. Revised October 2005
Scripts are the property of their original authors

SHOT: EXTERIOR, MANSION, DAY.
SCENE: INTERIOR, MASTER BEDROOM.

FRED IN BED IN PYJAMAS. CASEY WAITING ON HIM.

FRED
Oohhh.

CASEY
So, did you get it all up?

FRED
I don't think so. Still feels like a brick.

CASEY
Now, guess what. You've got a visitor.

FRED
Tell him I'm... dead.

CASEY
Uhh, don't be silly, Fred. This person's come a long way just to see you.

FRED
Really? Why?

CASEY
Who knows? Umm, more water? [POURS FRED A GLASS OF WATER]

FRED
Well, is it, uhh, a him or a her?

CASEY
It's... a him.

FRED
[TAKES A SIP OF WATER] Well, who is it?

CASEY
Well, it's someone that you know very well.

FRED
Really?

CASEY
Yeah, someone who is so... fond of you that you can't even discuss it.

FRED
Hmm.

CASEY
And who thinks so highly of you....

FRED
Un-huh...

CASEY
That he came all the way from wherever to share with you his particular fondness

FRED
Well now, ain't life grand, Case? Why don't you just go show that fond fellow in?

CASEY
Good idea. I'll go fetch him. [GETS UP AND LEAVES]

FRED
[TO SELF] I gone and married me an angel.



OPENING CREDITS (SEASON 3)



SCENE: INTERIOR, MASTER BEDROOM.

EDWARD (COLIN FOX) KNOCKS ON DOOR.

FRED
[EXCITED] Come in!

EDWARD
[FROM OUTSIDE OF ROOM] Is it contagious?

FRED
Oh, no... can't be.

EDWARD
I asked you a question, son.

FRED
I don't think so, father.

EDWARD
That's not good enough. What did the doctors say?

FRED
Dad, this isn't a good time.

EDWARD
[ENTERS, CARRYING PACKAGE] Well, how are we feeling?

FRED
Not so good.

EDWARD
You're not going to die on me, are you? [LAUGHS. FRED IS UNIMPRESSED]

EDWARD
You know, son, that's one of the things that's always irked me about you. Your poor sense of humour.

FRED
Happy to see you too, father.

EDWARD
Mind if I sit down?

FRED
It's a free country.

EDWARD
[SITS DOWN] Brought you something. Your mother said that you might enjoy this. [UNWRAPS PACKAGE WHICH CONTAINS A BOOK]

FRED
Well you can leave it on the table.

EDWARD
It's not that kind of book, son. This is very special. You know, Frederick, my father always meant to read me this book but he was too busy. Just as his father meant to read it to him... but he couldn't read.

FRED
It's never been read?

EDWARD
Apparently. Until now.

EDWARD
[OPENS BOOK] Shall I begin?

FRED
You're going to read it to me? You've never done that before!

EDWARD
Is that a shock, son?

FRED
No, no, I, I, I want you to, it's, it's just that... why now?

EDWARD
Well, your mother and I were chatting this morning over toast. She seemed to think that something was... missing. We mulled it over for a while and, well, your name came up.

FRED
[TAKEN ABACK] Ohh.

EDWARD
Of course, if I'd know you were sick I probably wouldn't have come over. In any case, uhh, shall we get on with this? [TAKES GLASSES OUT OF JACKET]

FRED
Sure, sure.

EDWARD
[PUTS GLASSES ON, CLEARS THROAT] [READING] The Prince's Broad. By Sid Goldman, and Buddy... don't know if it's Why-ner or Wee-ner. [CLEARS THROAT, OPENS BOOK] [READING] Many, many, many years ago, perhaps too many, if one can comprehend that many years... [STOPS, LOOKS UP] Took two of them to write this? [READING] ... there lived a young maiden named... Sweetcakes.

FRED
Sweetcakes? You sure you should be reading this to me, father? [LAUGHS. EDWARD UNIMPRESSED. FRED DOES A TAKE]

EDWARD
[READING] She lived in a bucolic, pastoral, and very pretty place known as Tides.



SCENE: EXTERIOR, FOREST, DAY.

SWEETCAKES (KATHLEEN ROBERTSON) WALKING.

EDWARD
[VOICE OVER] One day, while strolling, and then stopping, it happened.

SWEETCAKES LOOKS IN BINOCULARS

SWEETCAKES
[TO CAMERA] Whoa, what a hunk!

NOTHING BOY (MATHEW MACKAY WITH ENGLISH ACCENT) GATHERING A BUNDLE OF STICKS.

SWEETCAKES
Nothing Boy, aren't you as new to the kingdom?

NOTHING BOY NODS HIS HEAD.

SWEETCAKES
[TO HERSELF] Not only silent, but really good-looking. [TO NOTHING BOY] So, what time do you get off work?

NOTHING BOY IS SILENT.

SWEETCAKES
[MOTIONS FOR HIM TO SPEAK] Oh, okay, we're gonna play that game. All right, still waters. Fetch me my horse. Plus, pull up some stumps, and pick me up half a pound of poundcake.

NOTHING BOY
As you axe for.

EDWARD
[VOICE OVER] But what he really meant to say was: Hunka hunka burnin' Sweetcakes!

SWEETCAKES AND NOTHING BOY EMBRACE

SWEETCAKES
Oh, my boy. Are you feeling the same thing I'm feeling?

NOTHING BOY
[CONFUSED] Maybe...

SWEETCAKES
Don't toy with me. Tell me you love me.

NOTHING BOY
Oh, Sweetcakes. I've had my eye on you for a fortnight.

SWEETCAKES
You have?

NOTHING BOY
Axe around. Too bad I've got to run. I wish you would have axed me sooner, you know, we could have worked something out.

SWEETCAKES
Promise me you'll come back?

NOTHING BOY
I promise.

SWEETCAKES
When? When will you return?

NOTHING BOY
That I don't know.

SWEETCAKES
I see what you mean. It's a big, flat world out there. Don't get too close to the edge.

NOTHING BOY
I won't. And don't you go marrying any evil princes behind my back.

EDWARD
[VOICE OVER] She knew then she would never see him again.



SCENE: INTERIOR, MASTER BEDROOM.

EDWARD
End of Chapter One. [CLOSES BOOK] Well, it's quite an interesting yarn.

FRED
You're not going to put that away, are you?

EDWARD
Well, I had intended to catch the early edition of Wall Street: More Bang for Your Buck. [GETS UP TO LEAVE]

FRED
[DEJECTED] Well, you gotta do what you gotta do.

EDWARD
You... want me to stay?

FRED
No, not if you don't want to.

EDWARD
It's just that I find it a little... awkward reading...

FRED
To a thirty-... [LOOKS AT CAMERA, CONTINUES HESITANTLY] ...eight year-old.

EDWARD
Well, yes.

FRED
Well how about this, Father. Just read me one more chapter and you'll never have to ever read to me again. If it's, you know, all right, you know, with you.

EDWARD
Well, I guess I can overcome the awkwardness. [SITS DOWN] But just one more, and then you're on your own.

FRED
Do you think he really loves her? You know, me I don't know, but he seems kind of weird for a peasant boy. You know what I love about this? The flat earth stuff. Boy, I would have loved to have been a scientist back then. I...

EDWARD GLARES AT HIM.

FRED
Uhh, sorry, sorry. Go ahead.

EDWARD
[READING] Chapter Two.



SCENE: INTERIOR, CASTLE (MANSION).

PRINCE OF TIDES (JOHN HEMPHILL), HIS WIFE (DEBORAH THEAKER WITH A BROOKLYN ACCENT), AND HIS ALBINO SERVANT (DAVID FLAHERTY) AT DINNER TABLE.

EDWARD
[VOICE OVER] The young maiden never gave up hope her true love would return. This she knew. What she didn't know was the evil Prince of Tides had his own plans for her.

PRINCE'S WIFE MUNCHING ON A CHICKEN LEG. TWO CUPS SITTING IN FRONT OF THE PRINCE.

PRINCE
[TO ALBINO] Which one is poisoned?

ALBINO DOES A TAKE. HE CLEARLY DOESN'T KNOW.

PRINCE
Do you wonder why I don't take you on full time?

ALBINO
My liege. If I were a betting man I'd go for the one on the... right.

PRINCE
You would, would you.

PRINCE'S WIFE
I hate this place, I hate this place.

PRINCE
Would my lady care for some... nectar?

PRINCE'S WIFE
Nectar, schmectar. What do I know from prunes? You got some pop, you got a customer. Send over your middle man.

ALBINO TAKES CUP TO PRINCE'S WIFE.

PRINCE'S WIFE
[RAISES GLASS] To a long life. And may yours be short, and may our encreplacks[?] be filled with bad meat. [DRINKS THEN BURPS] Well, I'm off to the double beheader. [GETS UP, THEN KEELS OVER. ALBINO IS PLEASED]

PRINCE
'Tis done. Tomorrow I shall announce the good news. I, the Prince of Tides, shall marry Sweetcakes.

ALBINO
Love to the both of youse!

PRINCE
[UNIMPRESSED] Did we not just go over this? It's not her I want. It's her... lakefront property. [THEY LAUGH]



SCENE: EXTERIOR, FOREST, DAY.

SWEETCAKES WALKING.

SWEETCAKES
Of course, it is a nicer palace. Ooh, I bet he's got a lot of pricy little knick-knacks in there too. What am I saying? Without Nothing Boy, I'm...

THREE AD-LIBBERS APPEAR: IDELLA (MARY CHARLOTTE WILCOX), PABLO PAPAGALLO (JOE FLAHERTY WITH A HEAVY SPANISH ACCENT), AND ANDRE (GEORGE BUZA).

IDELLA
Nothing? Did I startle you? Because if I did and someone could hear, then I apologize.

SWEETCAKES
And who might you be?

IDELLA
We might be three lonely ad-libbers trying to perfect our act. In which case it was you who startled us!

PAPAGALLO
Excuse me, I'm looking for a man who wears an unusual hat. Have you seen this man? He killed my Pappy. And I vowed to get even.

IDELLA
Can we get on with it?

ANDRE
Aren't you going to introduce me?

IDELLA
Yeah. He's the strongest man in the world.

IDELLA
Now, where's the nearest watering hole?

SWEETCAKES
I believe it's just... [POINTS]

IDELLA
Good, that's far enough. You're kidnapped!

ANDRE GRABS SWEETCAKES.



COMMERCIALS.



SCENE: INTERIOR, MASTER BEDROOM.

FRED
Okay, what I still don't get is why they kidnapped her.

EDWARD
[READING] They stole her because they wanted to start a war between the Prince of Tides and his nemesis the Earl of Sotheby, a thief, lives off the spoils of battle like a vulture.

FRED
Ohh.

EDWARD
But, in order for their plan to work, the limp, lifeless body of Sweetcakes would have to be found on the island of Sotheby.

FRED DISTRESSED, SHAKES HEAD



SCENE: EXTERIOR, ROCK FORMATION, DAY.

ANDRE CLIMBING A LADDER TO THE TOP OF A LARGE ROCK, CARRYING SWEETCAKES, IDELLA, AND PAPAGALLO ALONG WITH HIM.

ANDRE
Why?

IDELLA
Why? Don't you see? The Earl is automatically implicated.

PAPAGALLO
Tell me, I think someone is following us.

IDELLA
That's improbable.

THEY LOOK DOWN, SEE A MASKED MAN CLIMBING UP AFTER THEM.

IDELLA
Andre, there's a Hungry Man Venison dinner waiting for you up there.

ANDRE SPEEDS UP. THEY ALL SCREAM.



SCENE: TOP OF LARGE ROCK, DAY.

SWEETCAKES
You'll never get away with this. The Prince of Tides will hunt you down. And when he does, he's gonna draw and quarter you. And then, he's gonna... chop you. Into eighths. And if he hired that new French guy, he'll get you down to sixteenths. And that's just your body.

IDELLA
It's been nice chatting with you. But I've got a kingdom to wreck. And if you don't mind I'm gonna start with you.

NOTHING BOY APPEARS IN A MASK. SWEETCAKES DOES NOT RECOGNIZE HIM.

NOTHING BOY
I doubt that very much.

PAPAGALLO
Tell me, stranger, have you seen a man wearing an unusual hat?

NOTHING BOY
Can't help you.

IDELLA
Will you cut the yapping!

PAPAGALLO
Excuse me. But I'm going to have to kill you now. [HE AND NOTHING BOY DRAW SWORDS]

IDELLA
Wait! If the good pirate would be so kind as to take five, we ad-libbers have something to discuss. [MOTIONING TO SWEETCAKES] Why don't you talk to her for a minute?

NOTHING BOY GOES TO SWEETCAKES WHILE IDELLA AND PAPAGALLO GO TO ANDRE, AT OPPOSITE ENDS OF THE CLIFF.

ANDRE
I didn't think we'd have to kill anybody!

IDELLA
Is that right? I guess you didn't read the contract, did you. [TAKES OUT CONTRACT] It clearly states you will kill anyone I point to. This not your "X"?

ANDRE
Uhh...

SHOT OF CONTRACT, WHICH READS: "This Contract. I will Kill Any One You Point To. Signed X."

PAPAGALLO You should have talked to me first. I have someone to handle these things.

IDELLA
[TAKES BACK CONTRACT] You're making me lose my train of thought.

PAPAGALLO AND ANDRE
Sorry.

NOTHING BOY
[TO SWEETCAKES] So, do you like that evil prince guy?

SWEETCAKES
Look, I don't see where this is any of your business, okay?

NOTHING BOY
Just axin'. Can't a pirate axe?

SWEETCAKES
That's another thing about you. You keep saying "axe." The word is "ask." The only other person to slaughter the King's English that way was...

NOTHING BOY
Yes?

SWEETCAKES
Was...

NOTHING BOY
I'm waiting.

SWEETCAKES
My true love.

NOTHING BOY REMOVES MASK.

SWEETCAKES
Nothing Boy!

SWEETCAKES AND NOTHING BOY EMBRACE.

SWEETCAKES
Oh! Oh! It feels so good to have nothing in my arms again.

NOTHING BOY
I never left you.

SWEETCAKES
Look, are we gonna talk, or are we gonna kiss?

NOTHING BOY
That's my Sweetcakes!

NOTHING BOY PUCKERS UP, BUT AS HE'S ABOUT TO KISS SWEETCAKES, ANDRE THROWS A LARGE ROCK AT HIS HEAD, KNOCKING HIM DOWN.

IDELLA
Excellent! You see, my plan did work.

SWEETCAKES KNEELS DOWN BESIDE NOTHING BOY.

IDELLA
You're wasting your time. He's dead. [MOTIONING TO PAPAGALLO AND ANDRE] You two. Throw him in the body box.

PAPAGALLO AND ANDRE ARE CONFUSED.

PAPAGALLO
Uhh, uhh, body box, uhh, uhh, excuse me, but, uhh, which, uhh body box are you referring to?

IDELLA
The one you sat on in the boat on the way over here.

PAPAGALLO
Oh, well, that was not a box, see...

ANDRE
[MAKES SQUARE SHAPE WITH HANDS] A box is a square. What he sat on was more like a coffin.

IDELLA
[VERY FRUSTRATED] Would you two just get the thing!

SWEETCAKES ROLLS HER EYES

ANDRE AND PAPAGALLO WALK OFF SCREEN DISCUSSING THE SHAPES OF BOXES AND COFFINS. SWEETCAKES LOOKS BACK AT THEM, BEWILDERED.

IDELLA
I know, I know, don't say it. I'll never get away with it.

SWEETCAKES
You'll never get away with it.

IDELLA
You see? You couldn't hold it in. I said it, yet you had to repeat it, just like I knew you would. That is why I am where I am and you are where you are.

PRINCE AND ALBINO SUDDENLY APPEAR.

PRINCE
And I am where I am!

PRINCE THROWS DAGGER AT IDELLA, HITTING HER.

IDELLA
That's impossible!

IDELLA COLLAPSES NEXT TO NOTHING BOY

EDWARD
[VOICE OVER] The evil Prince had reclaimed his bride. [SWEETCAKES MOUTHS WORDS] "I won't go with you!" [PRINCE MOUTHS WORDS] "Oh, you're goin'. But I'll tell you who isn't goin'!"

EDWARD
[VOICE OVER] Taking his cue, the Albino dragged the peasant boy to the edge of the cliff and pushed him over.

ALBINO DRAGS NOTHING BOY TO EDGE OF CLIFF. SHOT OF SWEETCAKES SCREAMING.

EDWARD
[VOICE OVER] Aah!



SCENE: INTERIOR, MASTER BEDROOM.

EDWARD HAS LOOSENED HIS TIE AND IS NOW SITTING NEXT TO FRED IN BED.

FRED
So they killed Nothing Boy?

EDWARD
I certainly hope not. He reminds me somewhat of myself.

FRED LOOKS AT CAMERA, BEWILDERED.

EDWARD
[READING] The evil Prince now had everything he desired. A full-time right-hand man, Sweetcakes, whom he would wed that evening and bump off later that evening, plus, when you throw in the lakefront property, he'd have the whole kit and kaboodle. Oh yeah, he was sitting pretty. [LOOKS AT CAMERA, CONFUSED]



SCENE: INTERIOR, CASTLE.

PRINCE AND SWEETCAKES AT DINNER TABLE.

PRINCE
Sweetcakes, Sweetcakes, Sweetcakes. You could change a Prince's mind about murder. But, be that as it may...

SWEETCAKES
You can take my life, and you can take my lakefront. But there's one thing you can never take from me.

PRINCE
And what might that be, pray tell?

SWEETCAKES
My love of... nothing.

PRINCE
[BEWILDERED] You're not a natural brunette, are you?

SWEETCAKES LOOKS CONFUSED

PRINCE
Well, the sooner we get married, the sooner I can get back to the business of being an evil Prince, so to speak. [WALKS OVER TO SWEETCAKES] So, uhh, how's about a little smooch? Just something I can remember you by.

PAPAGALLO AND ANDRE APPEAR, SUPPORTING A BATTERED NOTHING BOY.

NOTHING BOY
Halt! Those are my lips.

PRINCE
[TO SWEETCAKES] Now there's a real blonde.

SWEETCAKES
Nothing Boy! I thought you were dead!

PRINCE
You must have broken every bone in your body.

NOTHING BOY
Maybe I did. But then again, maybe I didn't.

PRINCE
Well, no matter. I hope you don't mind, but me and the little lady are going out the back door. Sweetcakes, pass me my hat.

SWEETCAKES PASSES THE PRINCE AN OUTRAGEOUS RED HAT. HE DRAWS HIS SWORD. PAPAGALLO LETS GO OF NOTHING BOY, BUT ANDRE KEEPS HIM FROM FALLING.

PAPAGALLO
The hat! [DRAWS HIS SWORD] I am Pablo Papagallo. That was the chapeau you were wearing when you killed my father, Pepe Papagallo.

PRINCE
Stop it, I'm blushing.

PAPAGALLO
I have devoted my entire life to the memory of my poor Pappy Pepe. I promised to puncture the punk who popped my Papa Pepe.

PRINCE
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Killed your father.

FRED
Prepare to die for killing my Pappy. Come on, come on, come and get it. Come on, come on, let's go.

PAPAGALLO AND THE PRINCE START FENCING.

NOTHING BOY
Andre, fetch me Sweetcakes.

ANDRE
Are you sure you can stand?

NOTHING BOY
Maybe I can't. But then again, maybe I can.

ANDRE LETS GO OF NOTHING BOY, WHO COLLAPSES TO THE FLOOR.

SWEETCAKES IS EXAMINING THE ORNAMENTS ON THE MANTLEPIECE WITH GREAT INTEREST.

SWEETCAKES
Hmm. Hmm. I could use one of these.

THE SWORDFIGHT PROGRESSES. THE PRINCE KICKS PAPAGALLO IN THE MOUTH. PAPAGALLO SPITS OUT SEVERAL TEETH, THEN KICKS THE PRINCE IN THE GROIN.

PRINCE
Woah!

PAPAGALLO LAUGHS, THEN KICKS THE PRINCE IN THE FACE. HE CUTS THE PRINCE'S HAT OFF WITH HIS SWORD. THE ALBINO JUMPS ANDRE FROM BEHIND. SWEETCAKES IS NONPLUSSED. THE SWORDFIGHT CONTINUES

PAPAGALLO
Prepare to die!

SWEETCAKES ACCIDENTALLY DROPS AN ORNAMENT, WHICH SHATTERS ON THE GROUND. THIS STARTLES THE PRINCE AND PAPAGALLO, WHO SIMULTANEOUSLY PLUNGE THEIR SWORDS INTO EACH OTHER.



COMMECIALS



SCENE: INTERIOR, MASTER BEDROOM.

FRED AND EDWARD LYING ON THEIR STOMACHS. EDWARD TURNS THE PAGE.

EDWARD
Ready?

FRED
Yeah... Dad!

EDWARD
Here goes. [READING] The Prince and Papagallo both fell in a heap, their bodies eternally joined by Sotheby steel.

FRED
Aww, I liked that Papagallo guy! He was the best.

EDWARD
[READING] The Albino became best friends with the Earl of Sandwich and ate happily ever after. [LOOKS UP, BEWILDERED] [READING] Nothing Boy? Well, he never did amount to much, but then again he didn't axe for much.

FRED Wait a minute, he didn't marry the Princess?

EDWARD
[READING] His inability to make something of himself was more than Sweetcakes could stand.



SCENE: EXTERIOR, FOREST, DAY.

SWEETCAKES AND ANDRE, WEARING A JACKET AND TIE.

EDWARD
[VOICE OVER] But being a good rebounder, she settled on a man who fulfilled her every dream. A man with a future.

SWEETCAKES AND ANDRE TAKE EACH OTHER BY THE HAND AND GAZE LONGINGLY INTO EACH OTHER'S EYES.



SCENE: INTERIOR, MASTER BEDROOM.

EDWARD
[READING] The end.

HE AND FRED ARE DUMBFOUNDED. FRED DOES A TAKE.

FRED
Think they were on a deadline or something?

EDWARD
I don't know. It's sort of like the story, you know, when you start with nothing, there's a good chance... you're going to end up with nothing. [LOOKS AT FRED] Hey... how about another story?

FRED
Sure, but don't you have to watch that TV show?

EDWARD
No, that was just a lie!

THEY LAUGH.

EDWARD
That's my boy!

FRED
That's my Dad!

THEY PUT THEIR ARMS AROUND EACH OTHER.



CLOSING CREDITS.